Forgiveness is a heavy topic and something that isn’t discussed as often as it should.
Why do I say that?
I say it because I have come to understand that there are times when we don’t even realize that we are in un-forgiveness. We can have underlying pain and bitterness and not recognize what is happening underneath it all.
To start off, it hurts. It really does hurt. The funny thing is, that most of the time, it doesn’t even hurt the other person as much as it hurts you. It pollutes your spirit and it opens a door to the enemy.
James 3:16 says this:
For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
The definition for strife means: angry or bitter disagreement over fundamental issues; conflict.
So if we replace strife with the words angry, or bitter disagreement, there is confusion and every evil work.
Ephesians 4:26-27 says to:
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
We don’t want an open door to the enemy. God told Cain back in the book of Genesis to not give an opportunity for the devil to come in because he is literally waiting at the door for even the smallest opening. Cain at this point in the story had already made an entryway in his heart for sin to come in.
Genesis 4:7
If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
I am sure you are now wondering how this story panned out. Well, if you keep reading, unfortunately Cain wasn’t able to rule over the sin and ended up murdering his brother. Thankfully, we don’t have to be like Cain. Jesus has already won the war and we are now empowered through the Holy Spirit to be all that He desires us to be in Him. Even though we don’t always physically murder someone when in un-forgiveness, we might as well place it in the same category.
Jesus even talked about it in Matthew 5:21-22:
“You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Whoever insults his brother or sister, will be subject to the court. Whoever says, “You fool!” will be subject to hellfire.”
Here we can see that being angry or bitter towards anyone is the same as murder in Jesus’s eyes. Jesus cares about your heart posture and if you want to live kingdom-minded, you have to constantly seek and ask the Lord to search your heart daily like David did in the Psalms.
So how do we rule over the sin of unforgiveness? We make the choice to.
Just like love isn’t only a feeling but a choice, choosing to forgive does not go based on "feeling like it." Ironically enough, choosing to forgive goes hand in hand with choosing to love. You want to love that person? Forgive them. Do you want to please God above all else? Forgive. If your utmost desire is to please God, then forgiveness falls into that category.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
The amazing thing about this is that it is all done by His grace. It is never in our strength that this can be achieved but in His. (Which is very comforting)
I can recall a moment in my life when I held unforgiveness towards someone and I am not even sure I realized it at the time. To give you some context, I had expectations that weren’t met and I was hurt. I felt justified to feel bitterness towards this person because after all, they hurt me right? They weren’t doing what I had expected and I was disappointed. Disappointment can open a door to resentment which turns into un-forgiveness. Over and over, I would mull over in my head reasons why things weren’t going as I planned.
“Was it something I was doing? What did I need to change? Maybe if I did this, things would get better.”
Day by day, I was trying to ignore what I felt and pretended like things were fine, but my heart was filled with so many unmet expectations. It all ultimately stemmed from childhood wounds. Because I was living from those unmet expectations, resentment started creeping in. Nevertheless, I tried to be the bigger person in my own strength and didn’t dig deep. But as I avoided, I saw myself getting triggered when I would sit alone meditating on how things weren’t going as expected.
I saw myself getting upset. I saw myself avoiding connection entirely, every chance I got, as often as I could. One day, it hit me. I am in un-forgiveness. I realized I was trying to brush it off, pretend things were okay, but the reality was this: I was in a cage. I had started to lose my sense of freedom and joy. Even though outwardly, my actions seemed okay, inwardly, my heart was broken and it needed mending. I had allowed other things to creep into my heart that weren’t of God. In turn, I was trapped. I was confined to my emotions of inadequacy, anger and hurt. I had tried to love and failed because I did it in my own strength. I didn’t fully bring it to Jesus because in my head, I was fine right? Wrong. I was not fine. I was not okay. So, after weeks of brushing it off, I admitted it. I went to Jesus and let him know I was in un-forgiveness and that I was sorry. He obviously knew all along but was waiting for me to admit to myself and to Him.
You see friends, un-forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. But the reality is, it is you that is dying. It is you that is trapped. 9 times out of 10, they don’t even realize what is going on. They are living their life while we stay trapped. Don’t you see? This isn’t God’s best. He wants more for His children. The enemy’s tactic is to get you off course every chance he gets. One of those ways? Un-forgiveness.
So continuing on, once I repented, there was actually a sense of relief I hadn’t experienced in a while. I had started to feel tender towards this person and towards others in general. I had finally surrendered. I had let go of what I thought was truth, to receive what actually was truth. I allowed Jesus to heal me and go into those places of hurt that didn’t even start with this situation. It went deeper and this was the final straw added to the camel’s back. I experienced a new level of freedom and joy I had momentarily lost.
God was healing.
He reminded me of the goal and the focus which was Him. He wanted me to love others the way He so tenderly loved me. I could only do that by taking my focus off of myself and putting it back onto Him where it belonged. As I allowed Him to wash me with the water of His word, the doors I had allowed to open, were finally slamming shut. I was forgiven of so much, how could I not show the same grace?
Ephesians 4:32 words it so beautifully:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
So as I end, think on this for a second. What has held you back from forgiving someone? An unmet expectation, or maybe something even more hurtful? There are so many things that occur in this fallen world and I am not by any means justifying what terrible things that can happen to us. But what I am saying is this: The only way we can walk in the freedom God has promised us is by forgiving our enemies, even if it is just from afar. Forgiveness opens the door for the freedom, truth and healing over our lives in a way that can’t truly be put into words. Jesus is for you and is at your door, knocking and waiting. He desires to sit with you and heal you of your pain. Open up and let Him in and watch how years of pain can be uncovered and healed in just a moment with Jesus.
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
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